Don't invite anyone to the meeting, and other top tips for online meetings
Like many companies which provide consultancy or training, at Red Telephone, we’re flapping around in a blind panic, desperately trying to work out how to completely redesign our business model so that we can keep working during the pandemic.
The board has decided we shouldn’t try to profiteer on toilet roll. We should just keep doing what we do best – making people spookily effective communicators. So, in that spirit, here are our top tips for online meetings.
1. Stare unrelentingly into your laptop camera like a psychopath.
People love eye contact. Seriously. They love it more than life itself. Everyone is desperate to drink of the sweet nectar emanating from your ocular orbs. For best results, position your eye no more than four centimetres from the camera, so that it fills the whole screen. That way, your stakeholders will feel like they live in a dystopian future in which you are their Big Brother overlord. This will help you to project gravitas.
2. Don’t invite anyone to the meeting.
I once read, in a book, that the optimal number of people for a meeting was seven. This is the worst idea I’ve ever heard. The optimal number of people for a meeting is zero. Followed by one. Followed by two. Every new fool you let in the door will add their own brand of fresh attention-seeking idiocy to the mix. Screen potential participants by sending them an all-caps email demanding: STATE IN SPECIFIC TERMS WHAT YOU WILL CONTRIBUTE TO OR EXTRACT FROM THIS MEETING. If they reply “I just wanted to get a general overview”, cease all contact in perpetuity.
3. Don’t say anything.
We know it’s standard practice to recount, in as much detail as possible, every single thing that has happened to you since the last meeting. We also know that you can make these tsunamis of pointless detail sound deliciously appetising by prefacing them with the words “let me give you a bit of context”. We’d like to humbly suggest a different approach. Don’t supply any information at all. You’re allowed to make points – points are things that people actually need to remember or do – and you’re allowed to ask questions, but, if anyone starts supplying information, immediately type “zzzzzz” into the chat window and then slam your head onto your desk.
4. Elect a tyrant to moderate.
Every team has a tyrant. They’re great at passive-aggressively explaining why that thing you did wasn’t in line with company values. Online meetings are their time to shine. Decide who is the most tyrannical among you and invite them to moderate. Get them to enforce rigorous adherence to the agenda by sounding an air horn every time someone wanders even slightly off topic. They can also enforce time limits, screaming “get to the point” if anyone speaks for more than ten seconds continuously.
5. Check that you own a computer.
We all know that it’s important to have good internet, minimise background noise, and remove distractions before conducting an online meeting, but what if you don’t own a computer? Studies show that online meetings are up to 60% more successful if you use a personal computer or “laptop”. Bear this in mind before deciding to take part in any remote conversational activities with interlocutors.
6. Claw at your face to alleviate the crippling tedium.
Showing up with your authentic self is vitally important in business. And your authentic self hates this meeting and all the people in it. Clawing at your face will not only help you project that authentic self, it will also release dopamine, adding important seconds to the time that you can tolerate this circular ass-hat moron-party. Even better, face-clawing may cause people to remind you that you’re touching your face, thus diverting attention away from the pointless agenda and towards the fascinating topic of what we all think about coronavirus.
Do you have any top tips for online meetings? Share in the comments below.